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Growth - Patrick Engman


A photo of contrasting light and shadows with silhouettes of trees.

 You know that feeling? Yea, that feeling where you go on a 7am walk to the park on your day off. The day hasn’t necessarily started so there’s this heavy calmness in the air. Deep shadows and dew. There’s a certain feeling of being centered with oneself. As if time holds its breath while you shed all of your connecting thoughts of loved ones and responsibilities, leaving you weightless. The only intimacy I felt was that of the wind brushing against my skin. Otherwise, I didn’t exist outside of my senses. 

I took this photo a while back when the craving for spring was at its pinnacle. I was over encumbered by the feelings of doubt and my insecurities ran rampant within the confines of my mind. Just like the winter’s cold, I needed to break out of its grasp and find warmth and peace of mind.

Come Spring and there’s quite the juxtaposition of mindset. Through diligence and thoughtfulness, I found myself being more conscious and present with each moment presented to me. Being up early meant no rush which lead way to a sort of timelessness. When there is no time, there is no embrace of anxiety. I feel relatively whole again and now I can focus with a bit more ease. I suppose like anything, you must approach with intent and exercise thoughtfulness in order to be present. Everything takes work as I’ve discovered. That would mean it takes hard work to truly live. I’m okay with that.

I’ve upgraded my toolset and now shoot 35mm and medium format. I’ve got an archive of film scans/content and I’ve been writing much more than I ever have within the landscape of my journal. Lately, I’ve felt the pressure of being consistent which trumped my need to express. I feel that’s a bit backwards and the need to express in a meaningful way must take precedent. Consistency is a byproduct of said passion of expression.

I’ve grown over the winter and I can finally feel it, see it and embrace it. I am very excited to take on this new journey of mine and I’ve got some neat notions to project on this blog. It’s been quite some time but I feel short bursts like this will be seen much more.